6395

So it was some week. I started talking to someone who i hadnt in a little bit that actually made me a little happy. I watched my seniors graduate, so proud of them. All the drama about next year then began but its all good because I hope to have some of the control over the class of 2010 next year up on Holy Name hill.

Today ive just begun to realize that no matter how hard I try I am not getting to where/who I want. My mind is made up on so many things its just me having to work towards these things to get them. University of Arizona. My number one choice for college and some ask why. UA is where I can finally get my chance to just start over. Will I come back is the question. Thats only a question that can be answered by what happens between now and then. I hope to get an apartment/condo down there at some point but whether I will come back to Worcester when all is said and done remains to be answered.

Everyday I walk around Holy Name, or work with a smile on, going along as usual. But really almost no one realizes the stuff that goes on deep down inside of me. When I decided to start coming out to people yes people said it would be hard. But I didnt knw it would be this hard. I lost some of my bestfriends in the world, I lost respect, and I lost my faith. My faith that I could find someone to be happy with. After failed relationship after failed relationship im beginning to realize maybe I am really never meant to be happy. Its been something Ive almost become set with. Why? Because people gotta be honest I am not the most attractive person physically or personality wise. I get along with everyone and anyone most of the time but when it comes down to getting serious about something no one wants to do that with me. Its getting to the point where its very frustrating. Then I have people who dont want to be honest. Really I like honesty over everything I handle it way better than lies. I cant stand people not be honest and upfront with me. If I ask something I want an answer. If I say something give me a comment. Honesty is something I havent gotten from one guy that I’ve met.

The few that I’ve tried to get close to, I have either used me for their own thing, or have found some excuse to not have me in their lives. Sad part is I can read through the lines. When I do see whats going on it hurts so bad. I am suppost to have this new found heart. Ive grown up so much. And now I see why people seek revenge. Im not a vengeful person at least now. People are making me to be that way it seems. Through all the hurt, the heartache I try my hardest to be happy. Constantly im shot down, constantly. Im never given the chance to be happy with someone, no one gives me the chances to get to know them.

I just wish I could figure out what is wrong with me so that I didnt have to deal with this anymore. Time is whinding down fast. None of us knows when our final day is. We plan and plan and plan for the future but who says we will make it there? For years now I ahvent been in a relationship that was the least bit enjoyable. Ive held secrets for way to long, most ive revealed thinking they would help my situation but they havent. People look at me and say no. I cant stand it anymore. The closedmindness people say they dont have but truth is the more they say they dont have it the more they indeed do. “I befriend everyone” such a lie…..”I love to make new friends” such a lie…..people need to look deep inside of themselves. Majority are full of themselves.

Why do I wake up everyday not wanting to get up….because I kno im not happy. I know as long as I dont leave bed I have nothing to face. But I have to get up an dmove on with my life day after day no matter how unhappy it may be. Some nights I wake up realizing……and I do cry. I do. I admit I do. Only because Ive never had the opportunity to meet someone I really liked, Ive never been given the chance to get to know them better. I see everyone with their boyfriends, girlfriends and they are so happy. I have never had that. Worst part is having no one to go to when I need to talk. It reached its peak when I found myself sitting in the car at the movies trying to regain control of myself but I couldnt. The tears flowed, the thoughts wouldnt stop. Im searching but getting no where.

I always wonder if id end up like those people who are grumpy, never finding the one who they spend their lives with. I cant handle that thought. It hurts too much. It hurts too much knowing someone may never give me the chance. I fight through it. I gotta use my strength and will power to fight through it…..my faith is gone…..just wishing someone would help me regain it or at least help me figure things out. For those who I asked to read this, there was a reason.

True I have happy moments, true there are some people hwo make me happy, but also true there arent enough happy moments, and also true there arent enough people who make me happy.

My story ends like this. Although I am not the most smart, although I am not the most talented, although im not the most attractive, I do although have a heart.

A heart.

6390

“Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope. To be without hope is to be without purpose. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.”

So recently Ive begun to enjoy life once again. Ive been convinced to join what will be the most dominate softball team this summer, im single and enjoying it actually, things are looking up for school. Everything is finally going my way. So now watch me jinx that. But really with everything that has gone on since January its been one hell of a year already. Im hoping this summer is all worth it. Its afterall my last summer of high school!

Speaking of that. People are pressuring me to make a final list of my colleges so here it is:

1) University of Arizona(for Business Major, Education Double Major, Sports Minor)

2) Assumption(for Business, Education Double Major, Economics Minor)

3) Babson(for Business Major)

4) Northeastern(for Business Major)

5) Nichols(for Business Major)

6) Worcester Polytechnical Institute(for Business Technology Major)

So there u have it. Any problems?! hahaha.

Im really hoping to get into Arizona. My grades are more than good for there, my test scores same thing. So my chances are good but you never ever know. Plus theres a huge plus on being able to go there. They know who they are haha. ;) Going to a college where I know peopel will be a huge plus.

So questions have been asked about my relationship. So I am single now. Im enjoying being single. But of course I want someone to be close to, but its better to wait things out. Really the song “Dont Trust Me” by 3oh!3 explains what happened so well. Lets leave it at that. I think by now everyone knows what I am looking for and thats commitment, im sick of being cheated on. But im growing and learning from everything.

I guess you can say I’ve done a lot of growing up lately. I mean how many people do you know that can be the leader of Yearbook, Literary Magazine, Student Council, Student Newspaper and be Webmaster, and Ambassador to school all at once? I dont know many thats how I got stuck with it. haha. But i enjoy my work and its always a step up everytime something gets done. Next year I promise tons of fun no matter what. People doubt my work but how can you argue with success? Really how? I want to see you try! =]

Im babbling on and on and on. So im going to close with this……”Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all of the days of your life. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.”

6348

Slowly but surely learning to forget about what people think about me and be myself. I hold to highly what others around me believe or think of others. This world judges on race or orientation. Well be the minority is helping me to overcome these challenges in life and very few people are there to help me. One knows exactly who they are and I have lots more to say about this person but Im too tired so I will later haha. but Thanks.

6345

So im looking around…..seeing people with their bestfriends…..people they’ve known practically all their lives…..and I wonder…..why dont I have friends ive known that long?

Ive begun to feel withdrawn from so much, I put all my time into work, Ive shown all signs of stress down to the pains/migrains/fatigue, I dont want to be depressed but its hard not to be knowing the truth about my life.

6331

Im currently listening to “Superman(Its Hard to be Me)” by Five for Fighting on my MySpace.

Its almost 12 about to be day 6332. Im pretty exhausted. This has been the longest year of my life. And it just keeps getting harder. Tomorrow night is my cousins 21st birthday party and im so excited about it. It is def going to help me relieve all this stress but at the same time may add to my sleep issues. I was warned Junior year would be the worst year and everyone was right. =[

On good notes I guess. Bishop McManus has said nothing but compliments about me. He called the other night to praise my work and to invite me to the banquet coming up soon. Im pretty honored to have the bishop talk so highly of me. Last Friday night was a highlight of my life. A month or twos  hard work payed off as Holy Name held the event “Tranced”. All due to my planning and help from Tom the event was a success. I also made a new friend in the hypnotist Dan Candell. He praised me and now its my turn. When he first showed up at Holy Name, i knew he was just the right guy to do this show at Holy Name. Past guys have come in could careless about giving us a good show and left with their paycheck or whatever. But Dan was different. He came in enthusiastic from the beginning and ready to entertain us. Now as we all know and I preach this to a lot of people, Holy Name is one of the best places to come to no matter what reason. Holy Name is a community that is like no other. None of us fight, we all get along, we stick together when times get tough all of that. Last Friday night we proved this to Dan. Holy Name is a different school from all the rest. We have booked Dan for next year and hope even after next year that Dan continues to comeback to Holy Name as he can now be considered part of it. Thanks Dan.

So its one minute away from 6332. Not that its a bad thing but i need sleep haha. I have so much to do and no time to do it. But that seems to be how my life goes 24/7. Even in sleep i dont get enough time to dream. It sucks royally. But I think it will all pay off in due time. I just wish I had that strong foundation that all the people around me have. Meaning that core group of friends that I could always fall back to. I lost that a few months ago when my secret was revealed. I lost my bestfriend, and lots more. But Ive grown from this. Ive been depressed. Ived thought about taking my life numerous times. But thats the life of me and its not easy. Id like to think that Ive gotten over a lot of stuff but in all honesty I havent. Ive gotten better….true….but are those thoughts there….yes. Life is a viscious cycle. And until I figure that cycle out Im screwed.

Im just so tired of feeling down. I try my hardest to be up, happy, excited about things. But its so hard. Knowing how the world is like. Knowing what Im going to have to deal with when im older. Its a reality I really dont like. I almost dont want to live in it. But im going to have to. Ive always told people everyday. Its different for me. Its different through my eyes. People will always judge me different than others. And its hard knowing that and its hard adjusting to that. I wish I could be one of the people who just didnt give a damn about what people thought or anything. But im not. Im one of those shy people who overthinks everything, who worries about everything, that is not taken seriously, and always put on the back burner. I may have the popularity but what does it really mean?

I walk the halls of Holy Name everyday. I see the smiles, the laughing, the talking, the relationships, and I wonder why I cant have any of that no matter how hard I try or dont try. Ive begun to wonder what im doing wrong. Ive begun to wonder why its so difficult for me to do anything. I wake up every single morning not wanting to get out of bed. No not because im tired, no not because im cold, but because I just dont want to face everything another day. I need help I know I do. But I really cant find the help I need. I cant find the guidance I need. And people wonder why I work so hard and so much. Work is the only thing that keeps my mind off of things. I cant play sports anymore due to my back and my legs. Work is all I have. And then there is family. But I cant tell you how many times I have come home and wanted to leave. My mom. She has two sides. The good side. And then theres the drunken side.We’ve fought, and fought, and fought over this issue. Ive done numerous things, ive tried to leave, ive tried to move out, ive tried everything. And yet she cannot do what is right for her own son. This adds to all my issues. When I dont want to go home to my family…..who am I suppost to go to? When I dont have that real true friend to turn to…..who am I suppost to go to?

Looking back at my whole life I see it as a huge lie or joke. Ive never really had a real bestfriend. I never had a friend for more than a year till I got into my Freshmen year in high school. They say friends come and go and that couldnt be anymore truer than in my life. But I have more friends that go than come. Everyday I put on this act. I am so happy with my life. When deep down Im not. Im secluded in my own mind. In all honesty I dont have true friends, I have friends but not bestfriends, but not true friends. I guess God had a seperate plan for me. One that I really dont understand. One that I really dont like. But if we are all made in God’s image he has a plan for me. But why is it so hard to be me?

They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There’s got to be someone for me. It’s not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.

6268

Ill get this thing up and running soon. =]