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So it was some week. I started talking to someone who i hadnt in a little bit that actually made me a little happy. I watched my seniors graduate, so proud of them. All the drama about next year then began but its all good because I hope to have some of the control over the class of 2010 next year up on Holy Name hill.

Today ive just begun to realize that no matter how hard I try I am not getting to where/who I want. My mind is made up on so many things its just me having to work towards these things to get them. University of Arizona. My number one choice for college and some ask why. UA is where I can finally get my chance to just start over. Will I come back is the question. Thats only a question that can be answered by what happens between now and then. I hope to get an apartment/condo down there at some point but whether I will come back to Worcester when all is said and done remains to be answered.

Everyday I walk around Holy Name, or work with a smile on, going along as usual. But really almost no one realizes the stuff that goes on deep down inside of me. When I decided to start coming out to people yes people said it would be hard. But I didnt knw it would be this hard. I lost some of my bestfriends in the world, I lost respect, and I lost my faith. My faith that I could find someone to be happy with. After failed relationship after failed relationship im beginning to realize maybe I am really never meant to be happy. Its been something Ive almost become set with. Why? Because people gotta be honest I am not the most attractive person physically or personality wise. I get along with everyone and anyone most of the time but when it comes down to getting serious about something no one wants to do that with me. Its getting to the point where its very frustrating. Then I have people who dont want to be honest. Really I like honesty over everything I handle it way better than lies. I cant stand people not be honest and upfront with me. If I ask something I want an answer. If I say something give me a comment. Honesty is something I havent gotten from one guy that I’ve met.

The few that I’ve tried to get close to, I have either used me for their own thing, or have found some excuse to not have me in their lives. Sad part is I can read through the lines. When I do see whats going on it hurts so bad. I am suppost to have this new found heart. Ive grown up so much. And now I see why people seek revenge. Im not a vengeful person at least now. People are making me to be that way it seems. Through all the hurt, the heartache I try my hardest to be happy. Constantly im shot down, constantly. Im never given the chance to be happy with someone, no one gives me the chances to get to know them.

I just wish I could figure out what is wrong with me so that I didnt have to deal with this anymore. Time is whinding down fast. None of us knows when our final day is. We plan and plan and plan for the future but who says we will make it there? For years now I ahvent been in a relationship that was the least bit enjoyable. Ive held secrets for way to long, most ive revealed thinking they would help my situation but they havent. People look at me and say no. I cant stand it anymore. The closedmindness people say they dont have but truth is the more they say they dont have it the more they indeed do. “I befriend everyone” such a lie…..”I love to make new friends” such a lie…..people need to look deep inside of themselves. Majority are full of themselves.

Why do I wake up everyday not wanting to get up….because I kno im not happy. I know as long as I dont leave bed I have nothing to face. But I have to get up an dmove on with my life day after day no matter how unhappy it may be. Some nights I wake up realizing……and I do cry. I do. I admit I do. Only because Ive never had the opportunity to meet someone I really liked, Ive never been given the chance to get to know them better. I see everyone with their boyfriends, girlfriends and they are so happy. I have never had that. Worst part is having no one to go to when I need to talk. It reached its peak when I found myself sitting in the car at the movies trying to regain control of myself but I couldnt. The tears flowed, the thoughts wouldnt stop. Im searching but getting no where.

I always wonder if id end up like those people who are grumpy, never finding the one who they spend their lives with. I cant handle that thought. It hurts too much. It hurts too much knowing someone may never give me the chance. I fight through it. I gotta use my strength and will power to fight through it…..my faith is gone…..just wishing someone would help me regain it or at least help me figure things out. For those who I asked to read this, there was a reason.

True I have happy moments, true there are some people hwo make me happy, but also true there arent enough happy moments, and also true there arent enough people who make me happy.

My story ends like this. Although I am not the most smart, although I am not the most talented, although im not the most attractive, I do although have a heart.

A heart.