6331

Im currently listening to “Superman(Its Hard to be Me)” by Five for Fighting on my MySpace.

Its almost 12 about to be day 6332. Im pretty exhausted. This has been the longest year of my life. And it just keeps getting harder. Tomorrow night is my cousins 21st birthday party and im so excited about it. It is def going to help me relieve all this stress but at the same time may add to my sleep issues. I was warned Junior year would be the worst year and everyone was right. =[

On good notes I guess. Bishop McManus has said nothing but compliments about me. He called the other night to praise my work and to invite me to the banquet coming up soon. Im pretty honored to have the bishop talk so highly of me. Last Friday night was a highlight of my life. A month or twos  hard work payed off as Holy Name held the event “Tranced”. All due to my planning and help from Tom the event was a success. I also made a new friend in the hypnotist Dan Candell. He praised me and now its my turn. When he first showed up at Holy Name, i knew he was just the right guy to do this show at Holy Name. Past guys have come in could careless about giving us a good show and left with their paycheck or whatever. But Dan was different. He came in enthusiastic from the beginning and ready to entertain us. Now as we all know and I preach this to a lot of people, Holy Name is one of the best places to come to no matter what reason. Holy Name is a community that is like no other. None of us fight, we all get along, we stick together when times get tough all of that. Last Friday night we proved this to Dan. Holy Name is a different school from all the rest. We have booked Dan for next year and hope even after next year that Dan continues to comeback to Holy Name as he can now be considered part of it. Thanks Dan.

So its one minute away from 6332. Not that its a bad thing but i need sleep haha. I have so much to do and no time to do it. But that seems to be how my life goes 24/7. Even in sleep i dont get enough time to dream. It sucks royally. But I think it will all pay off in due time. I just wish I had that strong foundation that all the people around me have. Meaning that core group of friends that I could always fall back to. I lost that a few months ago when my secret was revealed. I lost my bestfriend, and lots more. But Ive grown from this. Ive been depressed. Ived thought about taking my life numerous times. But thats the life of me and its not easy. Id like to think that Ive gotten over a lot of stuff but in all honesty I havent. Ive gotten better….true….but are those thoughts there….yes. Life is a viscious cycle. And until I figure that cycle out Im screwed.

Im just so tired of feeling down. I try my hardest to be up, happy, excited about things. But its so hard. Knowing how the world is like. Knowing what Im going to have to deal with when im older. Its a reality I really dont like. I almost dont want to live in it. But im going to have to. Ive always told people everyday. Its different for me. Its different through my eyes. People will always judge me different than others. And its hard knowing that and its hard adjusting to that. I wish I could be one of the people who just didnt give a damn about what people thought or anything. But im not. Im one of those shy people who overthinks everything, who worries about everything, that is not taken seriously, and always put on the back burner. I may have the popularity but what does it really mean?

I walk the halls of Holy Name everyday. I see the smiles, the laughing, the talking, the relationships, and I wonder why I cant have any of that no matter how hard I try or dont try. Ive begun to wonder what im doing wrong. Ive begun to wonder why its so difficult for me to do anything. I wake up every single morning not wanting to get out of bed. No not because im tired, no not because im cold, but because I just dont want to face everything another day. I need help I know I do. But I really cant find the help I need. I cant find the guidance I need. And people wonder why I work so hard and so much. Work is the only thing that keeps my mind off of things. I cant play sports anymore due to my back and my legs. Work is all I have. And then there is family. But I cant tell you how many times I have come home and wanted to leave. My mom. She has two sides. The good side. And then theres the drunken side.We’ve fought, and fought, and fought over this issue. Ive done numerous things, ive tried to leave, ive tried to move out, ive tried everything. And yet she cannot do what is right for her own son. This adds to all my issues. When I dont want to go home to my family…..who am I suppost to go to? When I dont have that real true friend to turn to…..who am I suppost to go to?

Looking back at my whole life I see it as a huge lie or joke. Ive never really had a real bestfriend. I never had a friend for more than a year till I got into my Freshmen year in high school. They say friends come and go and that couldnt be anymore truer than in my life. But I have more friends that go than come. Everyday I put on this act. I am so happy with my life. When deep down Im not. Im secluded in my own mind. In all honesty I dont have true friends, I have friends but not bestfriends, but not true friends. I guess God had a seperate plan for me. One that I really dont understand. One that I really dont like. But if we are all made in God’s image he has a plan for me. But why is it so hard to be me?

They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There’s got to be someone for me. It’s not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.